When Nothing Else Works, Try This

Preface

Set up the tool first

Introducing, the work of Dr. Ted Klontz.

Part 1

What even is this?

Avoiding "The" Conversation

It All Starts With A Tree

The tree is the perfect metaphor for our life.

I believe that to a significant degree, we are at war with ourselves. A war we will never win. (war can seem like a harsh word but I'll explain later where it came from and why he uses that word) Being human, I believe, involves three aspects of ourselves. I use the metaphor of a tree to explain what I mean. When you look at a tree, you see its trunk and its canopy. Typically we don't and can't see its roots.

The Trunk

I equate the trunk of the tree to the aspect of ourselves that represents what we do. Our authentically-inauthentic self. Authentic in the sense that we play our roles honestly, inauthentic in the sense that they are roles, a part we play. Underneath we are more than that and we know it. Our knowing we are more than the role(s) we play is sometimes referred to as the imposter syndrome. Any cracks in the facade that someone notices we will deny and defend, sometimes to the death.

The trunk represents our external identity. Our on-stage self. Who I want you to believe I am. Who you believe I am. Who my friends are. The initials after my name. The home I live in and the car that I drive. How I make a living, how much money I make, what I own, where my children graduated from, how many grandchildren I have, the community that I live in, how many "toys" I have, where I travel to, who I know, etc. My image. The image that I both construct and that you create about who I am. One of the cool tools that is used from this place is a tool that I can "pseudo-intimacy." We have many chemicals that help us experience this. Alcohol and other drugs are our guides. I call it pseudo, because though it feels like a real intimacy at the time, when the chemical or the milieu is not present, there is significant difficulty in feeling that intimacy.

The problem is, it isn't actually who I am. It is who I appear to be.

I know that there is another "me" that you don't know about, and if you did, I believe that it would negatively impact your image of me, so I do everything I can to keep you from seeing it. That part of me is what I call the authentic self. We will talk more about that later.

The Canopy

At some point many of us realize that what money, fame and power can give us will never be enough and we look elsewhere. Where we look is up. Which in my metaphor represents the canopy of the tree. Some call it the spiritual/religious, meaning of life aspect of life. Philosophy. The "why" of everything. It always consists of things that can never be fully proven nor disproven to the point that all human beings agree.

This "canopy" of the tree answers questions and meets needs that the trunk of the tree can't offer. It attempts to answer the basic questions of

• "How am I connected to everyone and everything else?"
• "What's death all about?"
• "What's life all about?"
• "How did all this come to be?"

And we will keep looking until we can find a philosophy or set of beliefs that work for us. And those set of beliefs always work until they don't, and those of us who don't die or go crazy as a result of a portion (or all) of our canopy being destroyed by life, develop a new one. A new set of beliefs. While we are in that process we are known to be having something called an existential crisis.

These specific answers can never be empirically tested and proven beyond a doubt and universally accepted by all people, and yet we, as a society, often destroy and kill other human beings who don't share our beliefs about these things.

Our beliefs offer us some relief from the nagging question of "What is this life thing all about?"

We are often encouraged to "turn it over to a power greater than ourselves", to "just have faith", to just "trust the process".

I have no clue if you have found what I call a true, final, fixed spiritual connection. Even if we did, in my opinion, it's never enough.

The Roots

What I find missing in our culture would be (using my metaphor) focusing on the roots of the tree. What I call our authentic self. Others call it our soul, our essence.

It is the "Who am I, really?" part of ourselves. Very different from the "What do I do, who do I appear to be?" part. Very different than the "Who are we as human beings?" part.

In my experience, we are mostly at war with this part of ourselves. We have been taught to disown and disavow. We are taught, encouraged, told, instructed how to repress, suppress, depress, deny, medicate, meditate, distract, avoid, and in other ways try to "manage" and hide this part. We learn these lessons so well, that we end up hiding and hating these parts of ourselves. We are at war with our own (and other's) sadness, depression, anxiety, fears, feelings of hopelessness, jealousy, etc. We use words like conquer, battle, fight, wrestle with those things that make us human beings. This war against ourselves can and does eventually kill us. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, relationally and too often physically. Physically? I heard a friend of mine lament after the suicide of a mutual friend, "It's too bad he didn't know how much he was loved." Indeed. I knew him. I had known him for decades. He had been at war with himself, and used medication as a primary tool to fight that internal war.

It is not a war we signed up for. It is a birthright in our culture. Somewhere around the age of two we are told and taught that there are bad things about us and we have to 'go to war' against them. We are taught that dreams are meaningless. We are taught that we should hide our tears. We are taught that we are not to get angry. Or too sad. Or too hurt.

Sadly, for most of us our artistic self, our dancer, our singer, our music maker, our genius selves are also victims of denial and repression. At one point in time we were all artists, musicians, dancers, etc. We still are, it's just by now, we don't believe we can, when the reality is, we just quit practicing. So now, we are left to experience those things vicariously through other people who resisted the message of "you can't," or "you aren't".

Problem is, that no matter what we do, these things do not go away. We may try to medicate them, dull them, deny them and get rid of them by projecting them on to other people. It's all still a part of who we are. Who we really are. They are not 'bad', but we are taught that they are. And, like anything that is not accepted, they tend to get bigger, distorted, foul. These parts are not going away. We human beings are where we are in the order of this world because we have them. It is our nature.

Unless, until, and to the degree that we make peace with those parts of ourselves, we are at war with ourselves. A war that we will never win, and that will eventually destroy us and too often the people around us, especially the people we love the most.

The repression and denial and attempts to control these things keep these roots from going deep.

Then, when the storms of what it means to be fully human roar in, like a palm tree in a hurricane, we become uprooted, regardless of how beautiful the trunk and how full the canopy, because our roots are only inches deep, rather than going deeply into the ground. Deeply in the ground means that I fully accept what it means to be a human being. The parts that I like about myself, and the parts I'm not as fond of.

Our goal is to get to the point that a man I know said as others were praising his generosity simply replied, "I can be." That is a man who IS NOT at war with himself. He was reminding us (and himself) that he COULD be generous and he could be stingy.

I believe that as a human being, I (and you are) capable of doing and being anything that any other human being is doing, has done, and can do. I once said to a friend, "I'm not Hitler, but I see him in the mirror every morning."

These parts tend to manifest themselves when we are alone. When we get quiet. Which is why so many of us so seldom allow quietness to be a part of our lives. These kinds of thoughts and feelings come roaring in, unexpectedly, uninvited.

They also come to us through reoccurring thoughts, hyper-reactions, hypo-reactions, emotions (angry, sad, afraid, happy, bored, etc.), urges (draw, walk, sit, eat, drink, smoke, have sex….), preoccupations, body sensations, Facebook scrolling, behaviors, dreams, moments of inspiration, fascinations, fixations, insights, voices (As in, "I don't want to do this anymore," or, "you need to be here," etc.), stories (or types of) you won't read; stories (or type of) you like to read, movies (or types of) you love and/or hate, surprising things you hear yourself say, write, or thoughts that come into your mind, moments of awe, special songs, music, art, play, memories, feedback from trusted others, mistakes, boredom, and distractions. So as you can see our authentic self is relentless in trying to be heard. There is a reason for that. Those authentic parts of ourselves believe that our very lives depend on our 'hearing' what they have to say. They won't give up on us. They are not going away. They may disguise themselves, but they aren't going anywhere. They are battling for our attention. For our lives.

A few years ago, in a car filled with family, during a quiet moment out of my mouth flew the words, "I hate my life". I was headed home after being on a wonderful vacation. What I realize now that I didn't then, was I was hating the life I was going back to.

That's the soul speaking. That was my soul speaking.

Tell Me Why?

With the recent suicides of two very famous, very public figures, both of whom I knew personally, I've been asked more than once, how to make sense of what they did.

As a disclaimer, I tell them that what they are about to hear is an example of what I have noticed that everyone who ventures an opinion about situations like this does. I am simply projecting my "truth" and beliefs onto the situation.

No one ever knows why for sure (except perhaps the individual who took their life, and even then, they might not have known or been able to explain why they chose to do it).

I know about this. There was a point in time in my life where I was extremely suicidal, although I didn't realize it at the time. Looking back, I clearly was, but I was so lost in the situation I couldn't see clearly what was happening.

Speculating about why a person would do something like this reminds me of a fellow coach/mentor of mine who told me as I was starting my basketball coaching career, "Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you should and shouldn't be doing as a coach. Just remember, opinions are like noses (he actually used another part of the body to make his point), everyone has one, and for the most part, they all smell".

I believe he was suggesting that the best I could ever hope to do was to learn as much as I could, ask for advice from those I trusted and make a decision. I think he was also suggesting that other people would be quick to give their opinion and that I should be willing to listen to them and then do what I thought was best.

It's important to remember that though an individual might appear to us to be the complete and total master of their own fate and that they have all the trappings that we might associate with success, they may feel just as trapped, helpless, hopeless, powerless and isolated as anyone else.

There is a pretty strong sense in our culture that if we are just powerful enough, rich enough, famous enough, successful enough, look good enough and accomplish enough, that we will have reached a place of peace and satisfaction and be inoculated from feelings of depression, hopelessness and despair. The message is, if we have all this and it's still not enough, we should simply try harder to get more, or accept that is just how life is.

Obviously, in these two cases, that didn't work.

What's my opinion about why these things happen?

Back to my core belief that to a certain degree we are at war with ourselves.

Being human, I believe, involves three aspects of ourselves. I use the metaphor of a tree to explain what I mean. When you look at a tree, you see its trunk and its canopy. Typically we don't and can't see its roots.

Like I said earlier, I equate the trunk of the tree to the aspect of ourselves that represents what we do. Our external identity.

Who I want you to believe I am. Who you believe I am. Who my friends are. The initials after my name. The home I live in and the car that I drive. How I make a living, how much money I make, what I own, where my children graduated from, how many grandchildren I have, the community that I live in, how many "toys" I have, where I travel to, who I know, etc. My image. The image that I both construct and that you create about who I am. The problem is, it isn't actually who I am. It is who I appear to be. I know that there is another "me" that you don't know about, and if you did, I believe that it would negatively impact your image of me, so I do everything I can to keep you, and myself from seeing it.

What we know of the two people who recently ended their lives, was that the performer self, the role playing self, was what we saw. Their tree trunk. Although some would say that they were people who "won" at getting and having it all, it obviously wasn't enough.

It never is. For any of us.

Some people, when they reach this conclusion just double down on the above, believing if they just got a little richer, more famous, more powerful THEN they would "get there". Others just give up and quit life.

Still others realize that what money, fame and power can give them will never be enough and they look elsewhere. Where they look is up. Which in my metaphor represents the canopy of the tree. Some call it the spiritual/religious, aspect of life.

This "canopy" of the tree answers questions and meets needs that the trunk of the tree can't offer. It attempts to answer the basic questions of

• "How am I connected to everyone and everything else?"
• "What's death all about?"
• "What's life all about?"
• "How did all this come to be?"

And we will keep looking until we can find a philosophy or set of beliefs that work for us.

These specific answers can never be empirically tested and proven beyond a doubt and universally accepted by all people, and yet we, as a society, often destroy and kill other human beings who don't share our beliefs about these things.

Our beliefs offer us some relief from the nagging question of "What is this life thing all about?"

We are often encouraged to "turn it over to a power greater than ourselves", to "just have faith", to just "trust the process".

I've no clue if the two people who took their lives had a developed sense of what I call a spiritual connection. Even if they did, in my opinion, it's never enough.

What I find missing in our culture would be (using my metaphor) focusing on the roots of the tree. What I call our soul. It is the "Who am I, really?" part of ourselves. Very different from the "What do I do, who do I appear to be?" part. Very different than the "Who are we as human beings?" part.

In my experience, we are mostly at war with this part of ourselves. We have been taught to disown and disavow. We are taught, encouraged, told, instructed to repress, depress, avoid, and in other ways try to manage and hide this part. We end up hating those parts of ourselves. We are at war with our own (and other's) sadness, depression, anxiety, fears, feelings of hopelessness, jealousy, etc.

Problem is, that no matter what we do, these things do not go away. We may try to medicate them, dull them, deny them and get rid of them by projecting them on to other people. It's all still a part of who we are. Who we really are. Unless, until, and to the degree that we make peace with those parts of ourselves, we are at war with ourselves.

The repression and denial and attempts to control these things keep these roots from going deep. Then, when the storms of what it means to be fully human roar in, like a palm tree in a hurricane, we become uprooted, regardless of how beautiful the trunk and how full the canopy, because our roots are only inches deep, rather than going deeply into the ground.

These parts tend to manifest themselves when we are alone. When we get quiet. Which is why so many of us so seldom allow quietness to be a part of our lives. These kinds of thoughts and feelings come roaring in, unexpectedly, uninvited. A few years ago, in a car filled with family, during a quiet moment out of my mouth flew the words, "I hate my life". That's the soul speaking. That was my soul speaking.

If you would have been looking at it from the outside, you would have said I had it all. But truth was, I was slowly dying on the inside.

Unless we have been taught how to welcome those kinds of thoughts and voices and find out what is going on; unless we learn to listen to them without judgment; unless we find out what they are trying to tell us about our lives, we can easily get overwhelmed.

If what we normally do to repress these things don't work to "control" and quiet these things (alcohol, money, drugs, food, sex, money, a new car, a new house, a new job, etc.) there is only one thing left and that is to end the experience of this thing we call human life. My opinion as to why these two deaths occurred, is exactly that.

I'm grateful I found people and places who can hear and carry me through these places. They encourage me to turn towards these things, those "voices" rather than look or focus away. As a part of my work, I get to help others do the same.

Being at war with who we are is not the answer. Making peace with what it means to be human, everything that it means to be human, is the answer. To do that, we need help to undo what we have learned about ourselves.

Making peace with ourselves is not a new concept. It is a radical expression of self-love. A radical acceptance of self. A gentleman 2,500 years ago suggested the same approach. The poem is the basis of all of my work.

WINTA: War Is Not The Answer

I lost another friend. Killed in action. In war. But it's not the kind of war you think. She did not join this war as a volunteer. She was conscripted. At about the age of two and a half. As in our culture, almost all of us are. It is at that age we begin to believe and internalize the belief that we are flawed. Broken. And as we get older, sick. That we need fixing.

If there is a big lie, that is it.

Any war, holds as its basic premise that there is an enemy. And the enemy, as in most cases of war, was manufactured.

W.I.N.T.A. War is not the answer. This thought came to me as I was sitting in front of a Quaker Church in Nashville, Tennessee. I had been asked to come and share something. Unlike me, I hadn't come prepared to share anything in particular. Usually I am well-prepared, have things mapped out, but on the days leading up to the engagement, nothing came to me. They said "talk about whatever you want." "Tell us what you think we should know." There is so much. I arrived early as I usually do. Before anyone came to open the meeting house up. I was sitting in my car, waiting for someone to arrive. I usually like to go to the place I am speaking early. Walking the room, sort of my version of a dog peeing in the corners, marking his spot.

As I looked out the windshield I noticed a vertical flag. It was inscribed with the slogan, "War Is Not The Answer." That was not a surprise to me. I was aware that Quakers are pacifists. What I was surprised by was the thought that followed, "It is not the answer for the inside of people either." That is what I ended up talking about. After the presentation a number of people approached me and thanked me. They got it.

I realized over the next few days that this thought had been triggered by the number of people who had come to me and said in so many words, "I am sick, broken." They identified themselves by their diagnosis. Anxiety. Depression. Addict. Stress. They actually believed that was who they were. I knew that wasn't true. We are not our behaviors. We are not our diagnosis. We do have behaviors that can hurt us, but they are just that. Behaviors. Not character flaws.

Back to my friend who was a KIA, killed in action, victim. The war that she was fighting was the one that suggested that there was something inherently wrong with her as a human being. That she was flawed and that there was a type of perfection that only if she did and followed all the rules, and all the directions, and all the suggestions, that she could win.

But the kind of war I'm talking about, can't be won because it's not actually a war, it's a manufactured situation.

As she began to feel the effects of this war in terms of behaviors that, even to her, were not understandable and were looked upon by outsiders as inappropriate, she sought treatment, which unfortunately reinforced the idea that there was something wrong with her.

Diagnosis.

She was told to battle things, to confront and try to control things. She was sent into battle primarily armed with an arsenal of weapons including denial, distraction, medication, meditation, therapizing with the latest and greatest therapeutic techniques.

She was told and taught to confront. To deny. To repress. To dilute. To depress. To suppress those things that were affecting her.

That is a war no one can win and anyone who fights it eventually loses.

Either, in the way that she did, where she stopped voluntarily fighting the war. Or the war takes its toll and like prisoners of war some who have surrendered to the belief that there is no hope or relief, live out the rest of their existence as virtual slaves. I understand that the word slave is very provocative. I use it in the sense that her "treatment," included psycho-active medications that are designed for short term use, but were, as is all too common, prescribed and used for decades. Near the end of her life, she spoke feeling as if her brain was "melting" when she tried to stop using the drugs, because they were causing her to "lose her mind" (her own words) for a period of time.

As I see it, her ending her life was a decision to no longer be a prisoner of war. When she got to the place, where she felt that there was no hope left and all the help that she had sought had failed her, she decided to voluntarily end her participation in the war.

I'm always very sad about those moments. When someone that I love loses the war. The impossible war that no one can win.

So, I recommit to doing everything in my power and even those kinds of things I haven't thought of doing, to spread the message that war is not the answer. It is not the ultimate answer in any form and especially the internal war and the degree to which we are at war with who we are as human beings, all of who we are as human beings, our nature of being human.

The degree we are at war with ourselves, is directly related to the degree of war we wage on our external world also. It's relatively easy to determine the level of warfare we are waging against ourselves. All we need do is listen to our judgments of others, whether we say them out loud, or not.

Email Thread: Father and Son Conversation

And the truth is that as we reduce the level of warfare internally, that peace is a gift that we automatically give the outside world too. As we look at them, anyone, we begin to see their behaviors through the lens of witnessing the artifacts of the war that they are waging against themselves, and can begin to understand that they are simply victims of their own internal war.

It does not excuse what they do in the name of this war as it gets projected out and on to other people, but it does help us understand what we are witnessing.

So, if we want peace externally, we have to find it internally first. Which is simple, but it is not easy. And it is NOT what we are told, or taught how to do, or see modeled.

I have been fighting this war my whole life. In the last dozen years, I have discovered a way to end that war and I've been sharing it with others.

BASSPC: Six Human Needs

I was reading about human being's basic needs. Physical and emotional. The document I was reading listed hundreds of them. One of my "things" is to try to reduce the complex and complicated to something I find far more useful, for myself and my work with others. As I was reading through the pages and pages of basic human needs listed I began to put them into categories. Here is what I came up with. I would take every human need and stuff them into one or more of these six categories.

The acronym turns out to be B.A.S.S.P.C.

• B - Belonging is feeling that we are a part of a group.
• A - Autonomy is the feeling that we can make our own choices.
• S - Safety/Security is the feeling that we are not in danger.
• S - Self-Expression is the feeling that we have been heard and understood.
• P - Purpose is the feeling that we matter; that we live a meaningful life.
• C - Connection is the feeling that we have special close interpersonal relationships.

It is my premise that EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that I (and you) do, every behavior, every thought, every impulse is nothing more than simply an attempt to get one or more of these needs met. That's it. That is why people do what they do. Everything we do is trying to get one of these needs met. To better understand our behaviors, is to understand and listen to what needs are not being met.

And, when I talk of needs, I am not talking about "gee it would be nice if…." Each of these needs, when they are at their greatest, are as powerful as our need for our next breath in. Try holding your breath for a minute, and when you "just have to take a breath in," you are close to understanding the desperation of these needs being met. Sadly we have over time developed tools to try to meet these needs that are guaranteed to fail. "I suppose you are going to be gone again next weekend too!", may be an attempt to get my special connection need met, but it is more than likely going to make things worse, and I will feel even more disconnected than I did before I spoke. It is essential that we develop our understanding of which need is coming up for us and develop ways of getting them met that are more likely to get us what we are looking for.

These needs are like what we see happening in a lava lamp. When the elements inside the lava lamp get cool (let's imagine the 'blobs' in the lava lamp are our 'needs') they drop to the bottom to get warmed up (let's imagine that represents our needs being met) and then float to the top. Then these blobs fall to the bottom again. Just like these blobs, our basic needs are always in motion, somewhere between being perfectly satisfied, and needing attention.

And, fair warning. These needs are those of a vulnerable, young, child-like part of our authentic self. I suggest that we do with them as we might do on a good day with a young child. If that child is having a "fit and a bad spell," we look through the behavior to what need they might be trying to express and respond to that. I suggest that on our good days we are able to say to ourselves, "Oh, they must be tired, or scared, or hungry" and we respond to that need. We say "come here and let me rub your head." We do not react to HOW they are expressing their needs. On our bad days, we might say to ourselves, "You little s–t, you are not going to talk to me like that." The goal is to respond to what we perceive as the need that is being expressed, rather than react to the methodology they use to try to get the need met.

And one more thing. These needs are very young and tender. Almost pre-verbal. They never get older. Trying to respond to them with logic only intensifies their need to be met. They often don't "make sense." Feelings are not sensible in a logical way. My responding to the "I supposed you're going to be gone again next weekend," with a "yes, because you'd rather be able to drive to the grocery store rather than walk, wouldn't you?" doesn't help. Trust me on that one. If I can hear the message behind the method, "I am missing you and would really like to connect" and respond to that by saying, "yes, I'll be gone, but I have Thursday afternoon open, let's go do something special" will get me far better results in terms of staying connected to my loved one. Trust me on that.

Part 2

Protocols & Playbooks

Befriending Our Visitors

A simple practice to listen to ourselves

The goal is to welcome, embrace, and befriend the various parts of us that we become aware of, whether they show up in the form of feelings, thoughts, behaviors, body sensations, urges, sudden awareness's, get our attention through poems, dreams, voices, music, etc.

First, enter the mental space of imagining that you are going to meet and engage with a particular part. (If you are aware of more than one "part," pick the one that seems to be the strongest, or easiest, etc. There is a strategy I call the "Boardroom" or "Council" that might be used also.)

Create a mental space where you bring the best of you.

This space would have elements of safety, kindness, sincere curiosity, welcoming, warmth, inviting, courtesy, compassionate, patient, forgiving (if necessary), non-judgmental; almost a courting/romancing attitude of "I want this part of me to 'fall in love with me'" kind of energy.

This space should be absent of any 'agenda', other than "I want to get to know you better."

This is not about changing anything. It is not about "fixing" anything. We must start by making it real, tangible, not in our heads.

Visualize it. Or sketch it. Or paint it. Or find an object that represents it. Or, using various objects, build a representation of it. Maybe use clay or dirt or sand to represent it. Pay attention to whether or not it is or appears to be animate (living) or inanimate (not-living); human or non-human; if human, note the gender, size, age, how it is dressed, its posture? Is it static, or in motion? Color, size, temperature. Note if it reminds you of anyone or anything that you know. If you had to describe it to someone who couldn't see it, note what adjectives you might use to describe it.

If it is not in the form of a living entity, note what its shape, age, color, size, weight, surface texture is. Whether it is solid or cloud-like; moving or still; expanding? Contracting? If you were to touch it, what would happen to your finger or hand. Note whether or not it reminds you of anything or anyone. The more detail the better. Does it have a name? Write these details down. Then draw a representation of yourself and where you would fit into the picture. Or, if you have found an object, find another object to represent you, in relation to the object that represents your "visitor."

Invite, welcome it into your presence, or ask permission to enter its/their presence.

State your honest desire to know 'it' more and better, let it know that your intent is to develop a more conscious, accepting relationship with it and why. Reassure it that your goal is not to get rid of it, or change it, but that you honestly just want to learn more about it. Suggest that the battle between you have been waging is over. You now understand that it is an ally.

Indicate that you want to make peace with it. If you feel an apology for the way you have treated it in the past is in order, sincerely offer it.

Start out the conversation as you would with anyone you would like to know better. A simple "hello" would be a good way to start.

Notice how it responds/reacts. It may be suspicious. Many of these 'parts' we carry have a good reason to be suspicious of our motives. Remember, from their perspective they believe that they are simply the ones who have kept you alive. And they have.

After you have said "hello," imagine what it would say back. Write down the first thing that comes into your mind.

Then, respond to whatever "It" or "they" say, as quickly as possible. Carry on a curious conversation with it. Summarize what you have heard "it" say from time to time.

At some point, reflect on the history of your relationship with each other. Ask it to let you know the first time it came into your life. Ask it what was going on and how it helped you make it through that situation. Ask how it did it (what tools did it use?) Ask it if it came to stay as a permanent guest in your "house," or did it go away until you needed it again.

Note and honor each of the subsequent historic situations. As you recall your life, where are you aware that this part of you has protected you, helped you, saved you, gifted you, taught you.

Ask if it is aware of any collateral damage it being present in your life has caused you and have it list what it believes it being in your life has cost you. Ask it how it feels about causing this collateral damage.

If it has not already become clear to you, ask it what the specific circumstances are that prompted its need/desire to show up again today (now, last evening, this morning, etc.).

Ask it what current message it might have for you in showing up, i.e.

• "What are you afraid of, how is your presence in my life at this moment in time supposed to help me?
• What do you want to teach me?
• Want me to know?
• Remind me of?
• Challenge me with?
• Want me to do?"

See if there is anything you would like to ask it about and do so if you think of something. Pay attention to what it says.

These parts were developed by your psyche to save you when you were a little kid. Before the age of 10, typically. If you wouldn't have been able to develop them, you would be dead or crazy. Problem is the very same "tool" that saved your life, now may sabotage it. These "parts" still tend to see you as that young, vulnerable child.

Sometimes they are exaggerated, even disguised, because they haven't been 'heard.' They are sort of like a little kid who is trying to get the attention of their parent. At first there is a "hey dad" (or mom) and if ignored ends up with the kid kicking his parents and screaming. I like to say that these messages range from that of a scared young child to that of an ageless wisdom keeper. Sometimes both. We won't know until we listen. Deeply.

Know that they will not give up on trying to deliver a message because they believe your very existence is at stake.

Remind it that things have changed, and you are not that little vulnerable self anymore.

That you have tools, assets and skills you didn't have when you were little. Ask if there is anything it would need for you to know or say that could give them greater confidence in your ability to protect yourself.

Consider making a commitment to re-engage (when, where, how, share with?). Consider asking for a role shift, from it automatically rushing in to keep you safe, to becoming a "trusted advisor." So instead of rushing to the rescue, tap you on the shoulder and remind you that what they are suggesting (shut up, speak up, get angry, express your fear, etc.) is an option at this point. You, the adult, gets to decide whether or not to do as they are suggesting.

After the conversation seems over. Summarize what you have learned in three short sentences and see if you have "gotten" it. Thank it for its years of loyal service, because it really has helped you to live (it may have also caused you significant pain and loss, but the net is you are alive. Remember that is all these parts are concerned about, not whether you are happy or not.)

Draw another picture of the same part now or note how the object appears now that you have spent time with it. Note the differences, if any. Note the difference in how it feels. Any changes in the image represent what I understand quantum physics suggests. "Anything observed, changes."

Close the conversation in some honoring way.

Cliff Notes Version

Once you become aware of "it," you can simply finish this sentence.

"If my (whatever part, thought, feeling you are experiencing such as sadness, fear, joy, anxiety, excitement, depression, tears, tight chest, rapidly beating heart, etc.......) could speak, it/they would say.......".

If, as is common, you don't have an extra 10 seconds to ask that question and listen to the answer, say something to the effect, "I don't have time to listen to you now, but I will later." Then make sure to keep the appointment.

Talking to Different Parts

Neurographics & Our Subconscious

Quotes that have really stuck with me over the years

• "If I tell you, it might end our relationship, if I don't it will."
• "Sharing our darkest secrets is the only path to enlightenment. We are only as sick as our secrets."
• "A great way to understand yourself is to seriously reflect on everything you find irritating in others." Kevin Kelly
• "Your soul speaks with triggers, behaviors, positive and negative actions, anxiety, art, music, and everything else we 'do.' The things we feel are our core needs trying to speak to us."
• The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away. ~Leland Val Van De Wall
• Those aspects of ourselves that we accept and are at peace with, we don't have to defend when someone else suggests that we are a certain way. Those parts we have not acknowledged/accepted when they are brought to our attention, we will deny, defend and often counter attack the messenger or beat ourselves up.

Example Conversations of "Befriending Our Visitors"

Part 3

Resources & Stories

On The Road To Find Out

A friend asked me what I think about what has happened on the world's stage made so starkly evident in early October. In the Middle East. I told him I believe the worst thing I can do is think about it. Opine about it. Once I have done that, all else goes into supporting, defending, and promulgating my opinion. And, at the end of the day, what I think about it doesn't change a thing, and can actually make things worse.

A coaching mentor (Hi Jerry) once advised me when, as a young coach, I was besieged by second-guessers, "Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one and they all stink." Especially true when my opinion is directed towards commenting on, judging, or opining on other people's behavior.

It seems to be a time where I see the opinionated ones with their one hand pointing a finger at another (unaware that three are pointed back at them, and one towards the Great Mystery), with a rock in the other.

It does seem to be a prudent time to contemplate the true nature of human beings. Are we more like what we are seeing, or peaceful loving people?

I believe science when it tells me that only a very small percentage of human beings will kill another human being under normal circumstances, even when their own life is threatened. That percentage changes dramatically, when one's loved ones are seen to be at risk or targeted. (Read, On Killing by LT. David Grossman). Governments take advantage of that factoid. The first step is always de-humanizing the "other."

I said to my friend, instead of opining about what is happening, it's probably more important what I am doing about it. I have absolutely no power to change anything that is happening in any kind of global way. I do have choices as to how I personally respond to it. So, what am I doing?

I've reached out to friends I know who have been, are, and will be profoundly affected and reminded them that they have a safe place in my heart and it is available for use.

I am committed to hearing the stories of those directly affected. As much as I can, as often as I can even though it leaves me feeling troubled, heartbroken, discouraged, depressed, humbled, and impotent. What I hear victims saying is that the most helpful thing, after food, water, and shelter, that another person can do for them is listen. To their story of what happened and what their experience is/was. Truly listen. Believe them. As much as possible, feel their story. Be a witness. No fixing allowed.

Fixing is not listening.

That's one thing I am doing, or at least trying to do. Listening not only to the voices of the contemporary victims, but also the voices from the past. What is happening now is not new. Or unique. Ken Burns', recent production "The Buffalo" tells a familiar story. I am re-reading Elie Wiesel's book, Night. I watched the film, "Lakota Nation vs US." Different people, different times, same dynamic, same results. AND this is, and has been going on continuously on continents and countries that, for America and most Americans, aren't all that important to us.

I am choosing to continue to look up and see what isn't comfortable, rather than look down and go on about my day. There are two reasons. The first is that I believe that in feeling the stories, it causes me to be more humane and softer as I walk through the world I live in. I believe it will help me make more humane decisions in my daily life. As I interact with the flight attendants, clerks at the store, saying hello to people whose eyes I meet, my family. Seeing and treating them as human beings.

Treating by listening, not with advice or opinion or whatever else I think I might have to offer them that they are not asking for. They are asking to be heard. Period.

I am choosing to pay attention to the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors that could very easily make me (intended or not) one of the perpetrators. I perpetrate, (by not recognizing fully, their humanity) unintentionally, unconsciously, unknowingly, to someone, some gender, some age, some race, multiple times every day. These times provide me the opportunity to learn more about how, when, where, and to whom I do those things. To gain better clarity about what I want to do or be.

One other thing that I hope is a result of doing the things listed above, is that the space in my heart that I spoke about earlier grows larger, warmer, more welcoming, and easier for others to access than before. Can that happen? As Cat Stevens once wrote, "I'm on my way to find out."

I wonder what you are "doing."

I wish my wife would come to this program…

One is when we owned Onsite I would often have a partner say "I need my husband or my wife to come to this program."

I would usually say, "what is the change that you believe this program might make that you are wanting?"

They would answer, and then I would say, "So that…..?"

They would answer, and then I'd say,

"Go home and ask them for those changes."

"This program may or may not be the best vehicle to get you what you want, AND it is true that if you had that, your life would be better."

The Guesthouse

No More Questions

One day my long-suffering wife of 30 years said she wanted to ask something of me. I said "of course."

She asked if I would be willing to listen to her as if she was a client. I felt embarrassed that she had to ask for that and grateful she was willing to.

What she was inferring was that she was finding it hard to connect with me. The "Dirty Dozen" (See Below) had infiltrated our communication process and was negatively impacting our relationship.

Imagine the last time that your best friend (or boss, or son, or daughter, or significant other, or employee, a customer……) wanted to talk to you.

Replay that scene.

Keep that image in mind as you ask yourself the following questions.

As you go through this list, recall how often, in your other relationships, you might do one or more of the following:

• Did you ask them questions looking for more information?
• Perhaps they were seeking your advice, did you make suggestions, propose solutions, tell them what you know about how others (yourself maybe) have dealt with a similar situation?
• Perhaps they were feeling down, did you try to cheer them up?
• Did you try to make them feel better by telling them that you could relate to their situation?
• Perhaps you tried to comfort them.
• Did you offer praise and/or approval, reminding them of what a good person they were, how they might feel better if they focused on the positive?
• If they seemed a little off-base with their analysis of a situation did you use logic and reason in your attempt to help them. Did you use facts, your experience and knowledge to support their position?
• Were you assertive and direct, cutting to the chase?
• Did you point out the benefits and/or dangers that might await them if they chose a particular action? Did you offer constructive criticism?
• Did you use your sense of humor to help lighten the situation?

If you used one or more of these communication tools, research suggests that rather than enhance communication and relationship quality, these tools work to impede or limit the quality of communication and by implication the relationship.

The above list is from the work of a Psychologist, Thomas Gordon. They are part of what he calls the 12 roadblocks to communication. I call them the "Dirty Dozen". It isn't that they don't work at all, it is that they, and the other members of that communication "team", don't work very well, and the end result is that, at best, there is little growth in the relationship and at worst, the relationship suffers.

When I present this information in the workshops I do, I often hear, usually with a tint of good natured laughter, "What else is there? If I can't use one of these, how do I talk to another person, what's left?"

Good question. Simple answer. Listen, listen, and listen.

How to do that, how to actually listen to what a person is saying hearing what they are saying, is an art form. And, the hardest people to truly listen to are the ones who deserve it the most. Those closest to us.

That is what my wife was speaking about when she gently reminded me that I wasn't doing a very good job of listening to her.

For today, let's focus on the first item on the "Dirty Dozen" list. Dr. Gordon considers asking for information from another person in question form a roadblock to communication rather than a helpful interaction. I'd like to offer an alternative to asking questions, an alternative that can totally change every relationship in your life, for the better.

Don't ask another person another question. Ever. Stop asking questions.

A question, any question, is simply a statement in disguise. It is a request for information, in disguise.

The human body, reacts to a question with a stress response (not good for human interactions because by your question you raise their level of sub-conscious anxiety).

Perhaps that is why there is a hook (?) at the end of a question. Ask the average teenager a question "How was your day?" and they will shrug. Perhaps in an attempt to get the hook out? The subconscious tends to see the question as a trap. And it gets anxious to provide the correct answer. You can ask for the same information in a statement form and the human body relaxes (good for human relationships and you are the one who made them feel more relaxed).

So, how in the world could someone eliminate questions from their vocabulary?

How does one do that and still get information that they might want or need?

Oops, I just asked two questions.

I could have said the same thing, in statement form by saying, "I would like to know more about how one does that".

That simple shift can change every relationship you have.

People will feel closer to you, better about being in your presence, feel like they are special to you, all good things.

Some examples:

• "Why?", becomes "I wonder why";
• "What?" becomes "I wonder what/if".

Other responses include

• "I'm curious to know",
• "I'd like to know",
• "Tell me more",
• "Catch me up",
• "So tell me…",
• "Tell me about your day"….

Our culture uses the questioning tool as if there was no other way to solicit information.

Questions, insert unnecessary anxiety, and could be classified, based on the body's autonomic nervous system's response to them, as unnecessarily aggressively violent, when quite often our intention and desire is to improve our sense of connection.

Asking questions is simply a habit. Habits can be changed.

I've had more than one parent tell me that their relationships with their teenage son or daughter totally changed by using this one tool.

By the way, for each member of the dirty dozen team, designated in the list above, there are alternative strategies that work better and more efficiently, with the ultimate result of communication and relationship quality improving dramatically. There are more efficient methods for each of the other members of the "Dirty Dozen".

If you do try this, and you run into me and let me know you've read this, if I am having a good day I'll say, "So tell me what you have noticed", rather than "So, how's THAT working for you?"

I have jokingly said that on my tombstone, as a final effort to change the world, to make it less hostile and more peaceful, I would like for it to read "No more questions, please".

As for my wife's request? I was appropriately chastened, and she's never had to ask me again.

Tell me what you think.

Putting Wheels on the Dragon

I was recently asked what I do. That's a difficult thing to answer. As I pondered my response, this story came to mind, and I shared it.

In the mid-seventies I used to show my psychology classes a short, silent, animated movie. It featured two youngsters, about five years old. They had each brought their little sack of wooden blocks to play with together. The kind of blocks that has different letters and numbers on each of the six sides of each block.

In the film, the young ones are busily building a castle. Over time the walls go up. Windows. Watch towers. A moat with two pieces of string serving as ropes to raise and lower one of the blocks that serves as the drawbridge. The creativity of the two kids was fun to watch.

They finished and began running around, in and out of the castle, peeking out the windows. Rushing through doors, up and down the stairs. Raising and lowering the drawbridge. Having a grand time.

This fun time all changes when one of them went to the top of one of the towers and with a look of abject terror crossing her face, called to her friend who rushed up the stairs, looked out the window and mirrored her face.

Soon the object of their angst became clear. A huge fire-breathing dragon was slowly making its lumbering way towards them. His head turned left, and right. With each step a huge flame billowed out of his mouth, blowing over and incinerating everything and everyone in its path. The children rushed out of the tower and hid inside the hollow trunk of a huge ancient tree. Through a narrow crack, they watched in horror what happened next.

The dragon roared onto the scene and completely demolished the castle. Scattering the blocks as if they were a pile of empty tin cans thrown on the ground. What the force of his breath did not topple, his tail did. Having no success in finding anything else to wreck, and surveying the destruction he had caused, he yawned, with a look of satisfaction, laid down on his side and took a nap.

Seizing the opportunity that his snoring slumber provided, the two young ones moved out of their hiding place and surveyed the scene. At about that time they looked up and heard music in the distance. Shortly thereafter over the crest of the hill a character that looked like the pied piper appeared and walked towards them. As he came closer he stopped playing his pipe, held his arms out and the children rushed to his side. They conferred and then went into action. The three of them went into the rubble and came out with the blocks with the letters "O" and the numbers "0." The piper showed them how to attach those blocks to the bottom of each of the sleeping dragon's feet.

They then took one of the strings they had used to raise and lower the castle's draw bridge, and gently wrapped it around his neck like a bridle. They took the other string and wrapped it around the Dragon's snout creating a loose muzzle, so that his fiery breath could no longer burn anything or hurt anyone.

The movie concludes with the dragon awakening and standing up, or at least trying to. Now he found himself on wheels and muzzled. Like a first time-on-the-ice would-be-skater, he had a tough time getting and keeping his balance. The two kids went ahead of him, demonstrating how to glide. He was a quick study and began enjoying the freedom that being on wheels provided.

The children led him around for a bit and then when they pulled on the rope, the dragon lowered his head, and like an elephant lifting a rider, gently eased them on to his back. With smiles on everyone's face, they all glided off into the distance.

The dragon's height and mobility now allowed the children to travel great distances they could not have otherwise gone on their own. Seeing things his greater perspective offered them. The dragon seemed to enjoy the attention, the loving touch and sense of belonging and purpose the children's presence offered. Instead of a destroyer, he became an ally. The children eventually stopped and gently removed the no-longer-necessary-muzzle. There was peace in the kingdom.

I do not recall the meaning of the allegorical movie. But I have never forgotten the movie.

We humans have common emotions. Anger, fear, sadness, and happiness are the big four. Three of the four we often consider to be our own personal dragons. Having a relationship with them similar to the children and the dragon at the beginning of the story related above. Our own personal dragons.

On wheels, bridled and befriended our emotions can allow us to navigate successfully through life. Allowing us to protect ourselves and others. Anger, fear, and sadness (as well as joy) can empower us. They allow us to see and experience things we cannot without them.

Untamed, wheelless, unbridled and unmuzzled they can cause great damage. They can destroy. Unless befriended, as the dragon in the movie, they will painfully impact and can ultimately rupture our relationships with others. Those relationships closest to us are most at risk. Sometimes they turn their power and fury on us, and we become their victim, and they end up destroying us.

When people ask me what I do, I sometimes say, "I help people befriend and put wheels on their emotional dragon(s)." Hopefully, we all do that for others. No more conquering, or getting over, or battling, trying to bury it, imprison it, ignore, or medicate it, or the dozens of other things we have been taught to try. (Which, by the way, all work to some degree, until they don't anymore.) Befriending. It is actually quite easy and beautiful once one knows how.

So, the answer to what I do is that I show people how to put wheels on their dragons. Whether they be feelings or behaviors. Once they learn how, they can do it themselves. And even better, teach those they love how to do the same thing. I'm their pied piper.

To Quest or Not to Quest, That is the Question 2.0

I was in the bathroom this morning, doing my obligatory daily duty when someone called out, "Are you done yet?" I silently, sarcastically counterattacked answering, "If I was done, I wouldn't still be in here, there is not much entertainment value in this room, what's your problem, can't you see I am not done?" Since I was still in the bathroom I obviously wasn't done. But, instead of launching my verbal ridiculing counterattack, I nicely said "Yes," and told my body, like it was a little boy, "We are done now." It started to protest, but I just said, "Come along now."

I was reminded by that exchange that I find it endlessly intriguing and fascinating (50 years of wondering, noticing, learning) how we ubiquitously, use questions instead of making direct requests or statements of need, to gather information or to tell others what we want or need. In this case, rather than the question, (that was really a non-question because the fact that I was still in the bathroom, was a clear unequivocal indication that I was not "done"). The statement might have been something like, "I'm really needing to use the bathroom, right now, I'm wondering if you could give me some idea about how much longer I might have to wait," or "I don't mean to rush you, but I really, really, really need to use the bathroom as soon as possible or I'll…….!!!"

There are reasons for asking questions, and it isn't because there is no other way of getting the information I might want or need. The simple reason is that it makes the encounter safer for me, the questioner. It puts the one being questioned on the defensive. There is typically a "right" and "wrong" answer and the person being questioned knows it.

There are well-researched and documented unintended consequences when I use questions to gather information or make statements. Bottom line, it creates an unintended emotional distancing between myself and the people I am interrogating. Questioning evokes a measurable stress response in the one being questioned.

I am not talking about the stress created by being questioned by an opposing attorney or a police officer, or a customs agent. We would expect that. I am talking about lovers, family, and friends who communicate (or attempt to) by asking questions of each other. Questions have the physiological and emotional effect of ensnaring, effectively trapping the one being questioned. Our ancient brains react to that.

Some of you might be thinking "this isn't true for me or the people around me." This stress reaction is, for the most part, subconscious, and unless and until they are strong enough to enter our consciousness (which they sometimes do), we are totally unaware of their presence, but our behavior will show the effects. Perhaps with snapping back at the questioner with one of our own ("does it look like I am done?") Or a universal, "Huh?" (while we angle for more time to come up with the "right" answer.) Or the ultimate answer, a favorite of adolescents we care about, a non-verbal shrugging of shoulders (To try to wriggle out of the hook, the literal hook thrown at us that marks the end of every written question.)

One of our subconscious reactions to stressful situations (in this case being questioned) is to withdraw, sometimes just a bit, sometimes a lot. We typically are not consciously aware of this happening. At the subconscious level, we feel less safe in the grips of a questioner. We may subconsciously (or intentionally) avoid situations where we know the primary mode of interaction will be of us being questioned. I know of a person whose partner would wait until he came to bed at night, and often, when they were in their most intimate moments, would interrupt the proceedings and say, "by the way…." There upon pummeling him with a series of questions. He quit coming to bed until his partner was asleep, thus protecting himself, a significant factor in the ultimate demise of their marital relationship.

If I want to improve the quality of a relationship important to me, I'd be advised to not use questions as a way of trying to connect or solicit information. I would use statements instead. After all, questions are simply statements in disguise. Just as complaints are requests for change in disguise.

And if there is a creep that I need and want to get rid of, I'd be advised to question them endlessly. Regardless of what they say, relentlessly bombard them with another question. The more aggressive, the better. They will eventually go away.

You might ask, "If you, Ted, don't ask questions, how do you get information that you'd like, even need to know?" It is amazingly simple. Instead of asking "How was your day?", I might say, "Tell me how your day was.", or "Catch me up….." Us old-timers had to learn how to turn questions into statements in order to successfully diagram a sentence in our grammar classes.

What we learned is that EVERY question could and must be turned into a statement if we were to complete the assignment. I don't know if diagramming sentences is a part of basic education today, or whether it has gone the way of cursive writing. Kaput.

You might ask, what makes this approach feel safer to the one that information is being asked of.

In every example given above, I am subconsciously putting myself in the vulnerable position. I am saying that I would like to know more about…..." The one being asked for information could say "I don't want to tell you." Subconsciously, they don't feel trapped. They are in control. They have a choice. The ironic thing is that when they feel the freedom to choose whether to tell me what I would like to know and just how much they tell me, they are more likely and more comfortable telling me what I want to know. They feel safer. Remember, the primary reason I use the question tool in the first place is that it has the effect of putting THEM in the most vulnerable position, rather than offering myself up for their possible rejection.

"To question or not to question that is the question." Science is pretty clear. If I want to do my part to make a relationship work better, I won't communicate through questions. If I want to create distance between myself and another, I will.

My Three Brains

The Triune Brain Model (Dr. Paul McLean) – Iceberg Metaphor

• Eighty-six Billion Neurons (Seventeen Billion computers)
• Each connected to others in multiple ways
• Five hundred trillion synapses, more than all the computers on earth
• One quadrillion connections all firing ten times/second
• The brain is two percent of body weight; 25% of all energy expended by the body (500 of 2,000 calories/day) consumed here
• 30 X faster than the most advanced supercomputers, though quickly losing ground
• 95% of its adult size by the age of 6

Bottom 60% Reptilian

• Brain stem, Cerebellum, fully developed by 6 months
• First to develop and come fully on-line, last to die
• Filters all input by determining, "is what I am experiencing familiar or unfamiliar?"
• Biggest threat "not belonging" or not having/being thrown out of "tribe;" Feeling disconnected, without safe relationship, without recognition; when experiencing those things, the same neural pathways as physical pain is triggered for the same reasons, survival (The power of listening -by self or others- has the most impact here)
• Regulates survival functions, respiration, heart rate, elimination, fear, pain, pleasure
• No ability or desire to reason, no comprehension of ideals and abstract concepts
• Knows only that it lives in fear/anxiety of a world it cannot understand or trust and will do anything to try to manage the fear and know pleasure
• No sense of self or self-consciousness, or impulse control
• Basic human needs emanate from here (belonging, autonomy, safety/security, self-expression, purpose, and connection)
• Subconscious, habitual, monitors body operation, motor functions, HR, BP, Respiration rate, body temperature, digestion
• Knows world only through the five senses, long term memory
• Can be trained a bit
• We are born with a certain level (0-10) of amygdala activity (ambient level of innate fear/stress/anxiety through our unique personal DNA) and our human experience. The higher the level, the more self-centered the experience, i.e., intense physical/emotional pain makes empathetic focus impossible. "Battle Stations equivalent"
• The higher the level of ambient amygdala activity, the greater the future risk for the experience of depression and anxiety in otherwise healthy individuals experiencing stressors like losing a job, marital discord or having difficulty in school; lower levels of amygdala activity predicts difficulty identifying risk situations.
• Underactive amygdala - lack of fear or ability to perceive it in others, psychopathology, links to psycho/socio-pathology
• Political parties organized around these brain differences. Conservative brains and liberal brains are innate, can be manipulated to some degree, but all have a default setting
• Amygdala trigger the body's "general quarters" or "battle stations"
• Life experience can increase, decrease, support genetic ambient level of anxiety (Abuse, neglect, war, poverty, yoga, meditation). Practicing compassion for example, has been shown to decrease intensity levels of amygdala activity.
• Responsible for different human reactions to social issues such as poverty, reactions to suggested threats such as global warming.
• Others who look, smell, sound, behave differently trigger amygdala/fear response, the source of prejudice and "isms"
• Sixty percent of us are pro-socials, meaning amygdala triggered when they sense resources are not distributed equally among everyone. Thirty percent are individualists, meaning they are primarily concerned with maximizing their own resources. Ten percent are competitive; to them, the most important outcome is that they have more than other people.
• Hippocampus located here, involved in memory, usually larger in women, while amygdala, involved in emotion, is larger in men, (which is quite contrary to the myth.) Evidence suggests gender disparities are due to cultural expectations, not biology. There are some suggestions as to the effect that cultural repression of emotions by men are demonstrated by psychopathologies, (Suicide, mass murders, violence, etc.)
• Emotional center, capable of neurogenesis

Middle 30% Paleo Mammalian (Limbic)

• Value judgments made here; responsible for forming bonds with others; motivational processes
• Fully developed by 6 years
• Function is to relieve stress/anxiety created by reptilian brain's genetics and experience
• Develops strategies designed to manage reptilian reactions.
• Fight-Flight-Freeze
• Develops short-cuts to preferred anxiety management schemes/strategies, (heuristics, biases), that work like computer's moving documents from files to home screen
• Little impulse control
• NO concern about or awareness of long-term consequences of strategies used, looking for immediate relief
• The strategies are more tailored to life in the wilderness than civilized life, more suited to what worked best for the last 50,000 generations not the last five hundred.

Lower two brains, Reptilian and Mammalian, together form our sub-conscious. Or "System I" thinking, or "Fast" thinking. "Iceberg" Metaphor. 91-99% of our daily behaviors emanate from here, without our conscious awareness.

• Together they work as an autonomous vehicle does. Sensors collecting data (reptilian) and determining how to respond (Mammalian) based on what it has been taught (programming).
• Together, they consume 98% of the energy sent to the brain, 68B of 86B Neurons (82%) 91%-99% of all behavior emanates from here, though we are, for the most part, totally unaware of that happening. (Like we are unaware of computer programs running that enable us to type documents on our computer)
• 150,000 years since operating system update, causes inefficiencies as it relates to modern world
• Self-centered, selfish, narcissistically, fear oriented, will sacrifice body to take care of itself
• Can be manipulated to be more conservative/less flexible (fear messages) or liberal/more flexible (empowering messages)
• 70,000 X/day reptilian complex sends message to mammalian complex of a situation that needs to be managed by latter. A pattern that needs to be evaluated and acted upon
• Processes information at four billion bits/second, (4,000 MPH), forms opinions in milliseconds (historically making rapid good judgments about proper food, safe animals, safe to touch etc. In modern times can overgeneralize such as if we have a terrible experience with one type of person we generalize to all similar).
• "Feeling/Irrational" brain; emotions (Bottom 90%) five times faster acting alone than when 'hooked up to' thinking/rational brain (Top 10%); historically essential for survival
• Operates/processes/acts as a precocious 5-year-old
• Five times as many one-way circuits going up to top brain (prefrontal cortex) for each one going down
• Stores past experiences, attitudes, habits, values, beliefs, timeless, focus on present time only
• Uses past learning experiences to perform current functions (walk, talk, drive, ….).
• Has no perspective/context
• Lots of information-not much wisdom, rationalizing not necessarily rational
• It is the filter through which we see the world and experience our place in it (not necessarily as it is, but as we see it through the filter). The truth is I may be loved by you, my filter may say that you do not, because if you really did "you would……." or "you would never……"
• Will tell the truth only when advantageous to itself
• Wired for love, intimacy, empathy, compassion, and union—beginning with the gaze between a mother and her newborn, which creates the mirror neurons necessary for healthy relationship
• Ninety percent of all data processed is visual
• Not rational, but very rationalizing
• Is dualistic, (black/white; good/bad, right/wrong rigid thinking)
• Judgmental and oppositional. It always divides the field of the moment and takes sides. Whatever is unfamiliar, or whatever it does not already understand or agree with, is judged as totally wrong or ignored.
• Connects to other human being's limbic systems via mirror neurons (human and non-human); contagious (if you are angry with me, if you are afraid; I get afraid and will respond from my bottom two-thirds by getting big, running away, or freezing.
• Gets more pleasure from punishing the perpetrator than by helping the victim.
• Sixty-two percent - 90% of feelings regarding something is determined by color
• Yellow raises sense of anxiety, blue raises sense of trust
• Process images 60,000 X faster than text (Experiential learning)
• It takes 250 milliseconds to absorb visual cues, but only thirteen milliseconds for images to elicit emotion
• "Reads" facial expressions (measured in micro-seconds) from here, Gut reacts within 3 seconds
• Painful experiences have twice the impact as pleasurable ones, Emotions have greater impact than thoughts
• Pictures + Text has greater impact than just text
• Evidence of its power are all the resolutions we make and the amount of "knowing what we need to do" and how easily that "knowing" is nullified by these two parts of the brain.
• Sex/Violence arouse emotions, money issues even more, if portfolio is going well the experience is that of a cocaine/morphine event (not wired for analysis), spend actual cash-pain centers are aroused; swipe a credit card-pleasure centers are triggered
• Music, Sex, Drugs, all impact the same circuitry
• Adverse Childhood Experiences (Acestudy.org) "People with four or more ACE's are eleven times to be a victim of sexual violence after the age of eighteen as those w/o (Nadine Burke Harris, Center for Youth Wellness)
• Natural selection has favored those who were able to quickly identify threats and build relationships
• Basic needs (BASSPC) emanate from here; strategies are developed to get basic needs met; all behaviors are simply attempts to get those needs met.
• Strategies may not work very well or very often, but just well enough to get by the moment, if inefficient, may be the source of OCD. (Get a bit of relief, but not enough per 'dose')
• Influenced significantly by level of attunement (alignment of internal state with others or resonance) with caretakers, which affects dopamine receptors associated with incentive and reward messages, emotional self-regulation. Poor attunement inhibits prefrontal cortex ability to curtail impulses.
• 7 X pessimistic to optimistic ratio; it sees the world darkly
• Unable to comprehend abstract concepts/words such as love, time, the future, etc.
• Primary language is sensory, influenced very little by didactic
• Adult versions of the fight-flight-freeze responses: Sarcasm, rolling of eyes, spacing out, going silent, put-downs, joke at other's expense, not returning calls/messages, being late, avoidance
• Gets tired and shuts down
• The subconscious part of the brain tries to tie new data to what it already knows, if it cannot find anything to tie it to, that information goes back down to cerebellum, which increases the level of anxiety, sends it back to the mammalian complex with greater force "are you sure you can't find SOMETHING?" If it cannot that cycling can lead to a panic attack. Not concerned about accuracy, just concerned about relief. If it can't find anything we see or experience "freeze" ("Frozen Moment").
• That is why metaphors work, "It's like the steering wheel on a car…"
• Time Lapse between stimulus (new information) and pattern recognition is 3/10ths – 7 seconds

Top 10% Prefrontal (Neo) Cortex, "System II" thinking, or "Slow" thinking

• 16 B (of 86 B = 18%) neurons located here (Mouse 30 M; Ape 9 B)
• 2% of all energy allocated to brain is expended here
• Processes information at 2 Million bits/second. Reptilian/Mammalian 4 Billion bits per second (2 MPH VS 4,000 MPH), 50 bits (of the 4 billion bits of information per second)
• "Thinking/Rational" brain; often called the central executive, or CEO of the brain. Extensive two-way connections between the prefrontal cortex and virtually every other region of the brain place it in a unique position to schedule, monitor, manage, and manipulate nearly every activity. Like real CEOs
• "Other" oriented
• These cerebral CEOs are highly paid in metabolic currency.
• Can override impulses originating in limbic system (but can't prevent them) and even then, the over-rides are often not efficient.
• Handles reasoning and implies control, in counterbalance to the emotions and impulses generated in other parts of the brain. More highly developed than any other species. Seat of many behaviors that we consider distinctly human: logic, analysis, problem solving, exercising good judgment, future planning
• Key is anticipation and awareness of subconscious impulses and judgments rather than denial of them (our subconscious = built in racism, sexism, ageism, biases, judgments etc.)
• Processing data and eventual decision making is 5X slower when this brain is connected to the bottom two, than if the bottom two act alone.
• There is one pathway flowing down/affecting and influencing the lower 2/3 of the brain, for every 5 pathways flowing from lower 2/3 up to the neocortex
• Oversees sight, hearing, logic, language, spatial reasoning and conscious thought
• 1%-9% of decisions about daily behaviors emanates from here; (This part of the brain believes it manages 91-99% of all behaviors)
• Cannot re-write basic (bottom 2/3 of the brain) programming, which is one reason why education/didactic information is very limited in terms of facilitating significant long-term behavior change
• Not fully developed until mid-20's, that development can be delayed by "training"
• Only part of brain that ever "rests"/goes off-line
• Alcohol/other drugs can cause it to go off-line
• Fear/anxiety can cause it to get thrown off-line
• Lack of development, damage, disease, tumors, dementia, numbing (through alcohol and other drugs) of PFC leads to a specific medical condition called dys-executive syndrome.
• Accompanied by lack of inhibition across a range of behaviors, particularly in social settings.
• Blurting out inappropriate remarks, going on binges of gambling, drinking, or sex with inappropriate partners, tending to act on what is right before them, tending to do things that might be regrettable later, or make it difficult to properly complete projects. In addition, damage to the prefrontal cortex causes an inability to effectively go forward or backward in time in one's mind.
• Starting over and over and not being able to move forward.
• Dys-executive syndrome often results in getting stuck in the present. Individuals affected are usually not aware of the deficit; generally underestimating the impairment.
• Sets goals, judges result, thinks abstractly, likes the new, novel, creative ideas and activities, new ways of doing/seeing things, based on past experiences and future goals. Short term memory (about 20 seconds), wisdom/perspective resides here, provides counsel, facts, reason, willpower, "gets" abstract words like happiness, self-worth, loveable, promises, saving, retirement, dedication, slim, trim, healthy, love, worthiness, safety.
• Especially important for executing creative acts in art and music, the actual artistic and musical energy comes from subconscious.
• This part of the brain is most active when creative artists are functioning at their peak.
• Past and future focused.
• Acts as "parent", "mentor", filter to bottom 2/3. Certain brain abnormalities that exist or develop can affect this "filtering" process
• Will tell the truth because it is the right thing to do, even if it is not advantageous to itself.
• Able to do "Grey" thinking and reasoning
• We spend most of our time as adults responding (Managing bottom 2/3) to life rather than consciously creating options (Top 1/3)
• Most of the prefrontal cortex's connections to other brain regions are not excitatory; they're the opposite: inhibitory, providing impulse control and, the ability to delay gratification, something that most animals (and children/adolescents) lack.
• Dopamine released when anticipation of future happiness. Unique to human brain

The Trap Door – E-Reptile Dysfunction

• Disconnect mechanism, the function is to increase chances of survival by speeding up reaction time
• Always on the verge of overload/tipping point. (Diesel engine exhaust flapper).
• Emotional overload will cause disconnect, often interpreted by clinicians as resistance

External Factors That Tend to Move The Trap Door Towards Closing

• Criticism from another
• Contempt from another
• Stonewalling by someone important
• Defensiveness on the part of another
• Gaslighting
• Talking down to another
• Confrontation by another
• Questioning by another
• "Pushing", bullying
• Multi-level Sensory bombardment
• Abstract Language
• Anxiety producing situations
• Depressant substances (Alcohol, and other drugs that have a numbing effect, in effect putting the neo-cortex to sleep)
• Fatigue, hunger, thirst, air, deprivation, denial of basic needs tends to disengage neo-cortex
• Ego depletion (Temptation), tiredness-trapdoor, will power

Keeping the Trap Door Open (and "adult" on-line)

• Planning Ahead – Anticipate "Triggering" or stress producing situations
• Increasing Physical awareness of anxiety levels
• Meditation/Yoga (actually shrinks grey matter in right side amygdala, the effect being a reduction in negative emotions)/Contemplative Prayer/Calming Exercises/Physical Exercise (Prevention)/exercise/coloring/claying/doing for others/nature exposure
• Self-Soothing (Real Time), tongue, tapping, breathe out, liquids, etc.
• Limiting external factors listed above

Reprograming the Sub-Conscious

• Silence
• The subconscious brain has not received a programming upgrade in 150,000 years
• We have the same programming as our ancestors, which makes it very inefficient in some pretty important ways in today's culture.
• Our ancestors did not survive by dieting, by not eating sugar, fat, salt, by saving, by investing, by being monogamous, by exercising, by not noticing people who looked different, smelled different, talked different, ate different things, wore different clothing, by not noticing that some humans are women, and some are men
• Make daily gratitude lists
• Regular Exercise reduces Alzheimer risk by 20%
• 30 minutes of funny clips reduces cortisol levels by 67%
• Imagining self as a free thinking 7-year-old increases creativity
• Handwritten notes result in stronger conceptual understanding of subject and awareness of how to apply than digital notes (UCLA)
• Vision Boards (300% increase in desirable behavior)
• "What do I want to accomplish?" (picture it),
• "How will I feel when I've done it?" (imagine/feel it);
• "What's an action step I can take to achieve it?";
• Practice the action step; be accountable to someone for doing it
• Desk decluttering
• Being messy and sarcastic increases creativity and the search for meaning; Being the butt of sarcasm increases problem solving from 25%-75%; Being sarcastic increases problem solving selection accuracy from 30% to 64% (Northwestern University)
• 10-15-minute nap increases performance for up to 2 hours (University of Adelaide, Australia)
• The most productive employees take a 17-minute break for every 52 minutes of work (Draughens Group)
• "To do" lists increase stress and anxiety; crossing off/checking off tasks done, increases pleasure (cross off, check off)

Helping someone else

• If the subconscious (bottom 2/3rds of the brain) thought that changing a behavior was in its best interest it would already be happening, so don't expect assistance from it. In fact, it doesn't like and will resist ANY changes. Even if they are lifesaving for life in today's world. (Only 10% of open heart, by-pass patients have changed their lifestyle 12 months after surgery) Changes involve reprogramming, or habit changing. Relying on willpower is very limited, external threat or 'programming' has a very short half-life. Here are some steps that research suggests are helpful in making such Basal Ganglia reprogramming ("Workarounds")
• Making a public commitment to change increases likelihood 10X
• 44% try (make New Year's resolutions), 75% survive first week; 50% 6-months; 8% one-year
• We grossly underestimate how difficult change will be
• Lack clear plan/strategy (wish, want, hope is not a plan) degrades chance of change
• Peter Drucker: Plan must be specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time based (SMART)
• Breaking commitment into months or quarters VS forever/year has been found to be helpful
• Relapse normal
• A few days of success is a plus
• Make the "right" choices easy and the "wrong" choices more difficult
• Require that a deliberate choice be made from a few options (3-Maximum)
• Lock in good intentions, making decisions today about choices that will be necessary tomorrow
• Move with the flow of the energy that naturally leads them (joining)
• Set default behavior to the desired option, with the ability to opt out if wished
• Penalty for non-compliance
• Comparison to Norm
• Sensory Delivery System (Make changes sensorily rewarding)
• Connect the desired choice or behavior with something one is already choosing to do
• Automatic enrollment (opt out VS opt in)
• Automatic increases in Savings Amounts
• Write down goals; envision success/non-success; specific deep imagining; (Engages TAS Reticular Activating System/Extra Trathalalamic Control Modulatory System)
• Take small steps; start with one thing that you could do today, set deadline for measuring your progress rewards
• Engage an accountability person. State your goals, share the how when and where the new behaviors/intentions are going to be met, and ask them to check-in from time to time (daily, weekly, bi-weekly, monthly....) to see how you are doing. It is even better if they have the same goal, and you can hold each other accountable. Choose a beginning "date" (a birthday, the beginning of a week, beginning of a month, an anniversary, a holiday, etc.)
• Set the behavior as a hard and fast "rule" rather than give yourself permission daily to either do it or not, routine.
• Use visual cues/triggers (Shoes by the door, etc.); response to trigger becomes the routine.
• Plan celebrations/rewards along the way. Build those in from the beginning.
• Give an accountability person $10,000.00 or more – an amount that would be painful for you to lose, that they get to keep if you don't keep your resolution. If you are successful, they give it back to you. Or, if you do not keep your commitment, either they get to keep it or ask them to donate that amount to a "cause", in your name, (political party, social cause, religious institution, etc.) that you could not imagine EVER wanting to support financially.
• Allow yourself to dream. Dopamine released when anticipation of future happiness. Unique to human brain
• Headspace, Calm – Mindfulness and meditation, guided meditations, and sleep stories
• Stop, Breathe, & Think – generates meditation instructions customized to how you are feeling, and can track your progress and emotions
• Buddhify – can address specific causes of stress such as travel complications, or night of tossing and turning because of worry about what needs to happen tomorrow
• Take A Break - Quick decompression sessions during the day

Part 4

References, Links, and Sources

What It Means to Be Human

Part 5 · Not in the book yet

The Workbench

Other topics to explore (needs added or removed)

• Relationship (maybe this should be solely focused on self but can link to books or guides for relationships)
• The protocol for having a conversation and listening to different parts of you.
• The process of Shane talking to "the part of me that wants to stay" and "the part of me that wants to leave" and how to have that conversation with yourself… This should be another GPT.
• Suicide thoughts from Ted
• Medications thoughts from Ted

Intro ideas

Intro: Doug Story

Intro section ideas: "I think…"

If you've ever said or thought any of these things, this book might be for you. If not, give this book to someone who has said these things:

• "I think they're wrong"
• "I think I have ADHD"
• "I think I need to go on a diet"
• "I think I'm an asshole"
• "I think I'm a saint"
• "I think I'm …"

The list could also include the "I think you…" versions: "I think you have ADHD", "I think you need to go on a diet", "I think you're an asshole", "I think you're a saint", "I think you are…". What if we had a list of these that almost everyone would say "yes" to.

Title and cover ideas

• When Nothing Else Works, Try This
• I'm Not Going To Therapy (ok, then read this book)

Removed sections: other intro versions